so uhm. for some reason today has been very thoughtful. i have a couple minutes before i have to go to institute so i figured i'd write down some of the stuff i've been thinking about. so i got asked today what i wanted out of life. i was like I want a family. i was then ask "no i mean like professionally" and i was like "well i'm going in to elementary education so i'll probably teach school and i'll love it, but i chose that because it will help me to be able to teach my future children." that was followed with "So all you want is your family?" and i was like " well i want a good family. i want to be a good enough parent that my kids will know how to make good choices even when i'm not around." i was then asked if that was what i wanted because my mom passed away. i was puzzled that that was the response. i said "no. it's because that is what life is about."

i think it's interesting that you can want something your whole life and then get to where you actually can study that and realize that's not really what you wanted afterall. i think one of the biggest things i've learned from being at EAC and from all the wonderful people here is that life is about preparing the earth for the second coming, not about seeing how much you personally can achieve. i feel like i've changed so much in the last couple months just because priorities are being realized. maybe it's just part of growing up and that everyone at 18 or 19 discovers that life isn't about what they thought it was. that it is about other people and not you. idk. it's been an interesting day......

poems

so i've been going through a bunch of my stuff getting ready to move, and i found some old poems i wrote while in california and then heidy kartchner gave me back one that she had that i wrote the last week of school so i figured i'd post them so i'd have them for later !

first is just one that i wrote about some thoughts i had at my first mutual activity while i lived in california. i didn't know anyone yet, and we were going ice skating. i had plenty to think about though and learned a lot from the ice. lol

Ode to an ice rink

Stepping onto the ice
I’ve never felt so alone
Not only new faces surround me
But things I can’t know til I’m grown

This ice has been battered
like me it’s been bruised
Its hopes have been shattered
By blades on my shoes
But its biggest mistakes
When rightly repaired
Are the ones I can’t feel with my skates

I see girls holding hands
Will each choose to support?
Or will one lose her balance
Help the other fall short
One girl does a jump
Neat tricks of all kinds
Because speed is required
Her fall is harder than mine

Stepping off of the ice
I can tell that I’ve grown
who thought from an ice rink
there was so much to be known

okay this one is one that i wrote at school one day in california. a boy at my high school had died the day before. i had never met him, but it caused a big stir at the school and got me to thinking.

The cycle of life creeps up to your path
in each turn you take on your journey
unconscious thoughts turn up each time
and give life it’s meaning and glory
birth marriage death—each a new page
but each brings new hope with new worry

the power of life, creation, and love
accompanies each son or daughter
whether struggling, secure, or down in the dumps
a new face makes your world brighter
but each child grows, the joy soon forgot
and life turns to a new chapter

then you see love the promise it brings
when life is so cruel and mundane
marriage pops up and you rest assured
‘cause life’s meaning shows up again
But what wil she do whenever she sees
That she someday will be without him

At last you meet death, it can’t be avoided
But a necessity for life
you learn a new love that pierces your soul
and gives your road a new bump called strife
but you put that behind you and discover that
you still have to continue your drive

then when hope’s disappeared, and your hearts only a hole
a miracle helps you go on.

and this last one is the most recent. it's probably the closest to my heart, so don't make fun of this one. lol. uhm i wrote it when i was convincing myself that EAC would be okay and that i didn't need time for me to go perform. yeah. anyways

Twelve years here and I’m done
I’m leaving for real now
I’ve made it through this messed up place
And now I’m wondering how

I’ve never been the perfect kid
Unless you’ve seen my grades
I learned here how to work real hard
But also to misbehave

There were times that I knew
People looked at me with admiration
I’ve seen that look in people’s eyes
That look of appreciation

But then came times when I knew
People saw through my sorry act
A look of questioning filled those eyes
And they’d turn their back

But life gave me a miracle!
I regained confidence
I was blessed with sunlight
After living in a trench

I spent a year flying high
And reminding me of me
I learned about what bondage is
And that I was finally free

But now I new turn takes the stage
And I don’t know what to do
Again I’ll get that awful look
Of disappointment from you

Everyday I’m told the same:
“do what will make YOU happy”
I wish that someone else just saw
That this choice has nothing to do with ME

Yes, it’s MY life but I know me
I know I’ll make the most
Because this virus gets passed along
I’m just the current host

Life’s not about what I choose
To make MY life the best
If anybody else could see
It’d be a weight off of my chest

What I do affects the world
And people who love me
So why did I choose to
Make it hard to be who I will be

I’ll step it up and take the challenge
I’m not known to back down
I’ll make my life what it could be
And not continue bound

12 years from now I’ll look down and see
what’s on this page
and realize through smiling eyes
that this was just a phase

life will goe on no matter what
and I know the part I’ll play
I’ll choose to be who I know I am
By what I choose today

Maybe this seems a selfish choice
But it’s not about money
Its about knowing all I can
When my father in heaven calls me

uhm i love poetry. it is one of the easiest ways for me to express myself. sometimes it's REALLY gay and corny, but for some reason, when life rhymes it makes more sense.

MAY!!!!!!!

so the end of this year was pretty crazy. i had to rest for a whole month to have to strength to write about it; that's how exhausted i was ;) well first was my theatre show. here's a couple of cute girls before the show started opening night! it was super fun and i learned A TON! i really liked working with the kids and cried in young womens one day when i talked about using it for a project. i made some really lasting memories. next came the end of the year choir performance. things were crazy and there were some rough feelings being tossed around. because of that i kinda feel like i got jipped. i didn't even cry afterwards even though i knew it would be my last show with the group. but that night wasn't really about me. and i'm glad it wasn't cuz uh there were some issues. anyways....it was still fun and i still danced as hard as i could. i actually stepped on a hair straightener right before so i had to put on my character shoes with a huge blister on my foot. it sucked, but i got through it. lol.

this picture is me and kylee brubaker and rachael larson. they're 2 of my bestest friends! then came senior trip. the theme parks were super fun (and exhausting)!!!! i love roller coasters so i did just about everything there was to do at 6 flags and knotts. my favorite part BY FAR was medieval times though. it really was incredible. between the acting and animal training and FOOD it was really my kind of show. super cool. definately wanna go back

this is me and jessica mayberry (she's living with me at EAC) and the red knight! our guy won, which made it even more exciting!

the whole 12 of us who went on senior trip outside of medieval times

uh and this one is self explainitory! :)

then came graduation. the ceremony was good. some really weird crap happened and our musical number kind of got uh messed up, but whatever.

me and brady and sam. i didn't walk with them, but we're friends

me speaking. with our HUGE class behind me. lol i was salutitorian and talked about perserverence. i got like $2250 cash scholarship plus the full 2 years at EAC ($3000 value)

i didn't do bad, but i wish i had applied for more and not been such a stink about college

me and my bestest friend kylee. she definately made this year fun for me. i'm gonna miss her when i leave.

and camille made my cap. i was stressin out cuz i decorated then went to weston's graduation and was freakin out about my speech and my hair and crap in between the graduations. cam asked me what i wanted and i said spongebob. she was like "that's it?" and i said yeah, so she went crazy and made him 3D and out of real sponges!!!!! i liked mine the best

the best thing about graduation however happened the weekend before senior trip. i had the opportunity to sing and dance for our prophet! the Temple Cultural Celebration was INCREDIBLE!!!!! i don't even know how to explain what kind of experience it was to be totally stressed and running around for 2 days rehearsing and then having the prophet there and the spirit of calm that made the performance happen. i witnessed miracles while preparing for the celebration and it was easily top 3 experiences of my whole life. it could even be number 1. idk.

this is just a bunch of kids from our stake 2 hours before show time. all the people in the back is the line to get in. everyone was in their seats about an hour before the prophet showed up. it was really an incredible experience.

the next day was the dedication and i bawled the whole time. we watched the noon session and even just in a stake center you could feel the prophets presence and the spirit of the temple. it really reaffirmed my testimony of temple and that they are the only place worth getting married in. the amount of effort and service that went in to our temple was incredible. everyone wanted to help and everyone was happy about it. it wasn't one of those service projects that you just help with cuz you know your supposed to. it was a service project where the heavens opened and the blessing were almost immediate. the temple closer has changed so many lives including mine.

that week before graduation i still didn't know what i was doing after high school or where i was going. being around people who have the same standards as me and feeling the support that was there made me really hope that i would have good friends where ever i ended up. well i had been fasting and praying about what to do and where to go and feeling the sacrifice that people gave to have a temple so close made me want to do the same. choosing to go to EAC wasnt really a sacrifice at all. more of a blessing, but i guess it hurt my pride a little. i knew that i NEEDED to be where i could feel that support from people with the same standards and where i could visit the temple often, even just for baptisms.

the church is true and heavenly father does answer prayers. i know i will be where he wants me next year and there won't be any more questions asked. he loves me and would never want me to be somewhere where i'd be unhappy.

life

well there is a lot to say since i haven't written anything for a long time...
i've been really busy lately. English 102 is kicking my butt and i'm pretty sure that i'm gonna get a 'C'. it's all good though as long as i pass. The musical that i was given the opportunity to direct was the last 2 weekends (along with vanessa's wedding). The show went really well and i was so incredibly grateful that i came back to school here. no where else in the world would have let me get to be a director and it was really neat to get that chance and learn a lot more. it helped nurish my love for theatre. i'll have to post some of the pictures we took at the after party where we burned the cow.

so i was thinking on sunday (sorry this is really random and has nothing to do with anything else i've said) but i was thinking...I'm still reaping the not so great rewards of having the wrong friends early in high school. i saw some people who had been some of my best friends and I saw how unhappy they were. It made my heart hurt so bad. i then began to think of all the people that i love who once meant so much to me and as i started to think about where there life was going and how they were going to turn out and it made me so sad. It still hurts to see people that i love making bad choices and i chose the wrong people to love. that sounds bad but if i had only cared about the right people i would be happy now in seeing them make good decisions. i thought i was helping these people when i was really only hurting myself. but i did build relationships and it sucks to see that there is nothing i can do to make my old friends want what is best. anyways....just one more consequence to making bad choices...don't do it...if this were the only consequence, it still wouldn't be worth it. <3

BLECK!

BLECK! is the only possible word i can use to describe how i feel right now. it's been an incredibly interesting week. so wednesday it was confirmed that one of my friends is pregnant. i had really been rootin for her and she had been trying so hard to do what was right, but everyone makes mistakes and now she is going to have a baby. i decided that maybe she needed a visit and some comfort so i didn't really go to school thursday. i signed myself out and went and bought her flowers and talked with her for like 3 hours. it was a really good discussion and taught me a lot about when to listen to the spirit even if it means missing school :) then friday was state basketball playoffs. i ended up joining cheer like 3 weeks ago along with kylee brubaker and rachael larson, so state was supposed to be super duper fun...WRONG-O!!! i hadn't had the flu in 6 years and low and behold i find myself puking up spinach dip all night in a ghetto motel in prescott. that's the sickest i think i've ever been in my whole life. i had a fever and was shivering like CRAZY business. good thing leah was there for comfort and to force me to drink some gatorade, and jean was an angel and stayed with me in the van while the rest of the cheersters went shopping. anyways that was the most miserable 5 hour drive home of my life. good thing there was no school monday (today) to give me one more day to recuperate (i'm feeling MUCH better now) anyways we had rehearsals for 4 hours AGAIN this morning, and i had kind of been excited for them all week--i know typical elise choir geek to be excited for out of school rehearsals--but having not really eatin a meal in 3 days, rehearsals didn't go so well. i sat on the couch most of the time and attempted to dance the last run of the show. then for family home evening tonight my lovely parents decided to force me to fill out scholarships. i want to go to college, and i want to go for free, i just don't want to do any paperwork. i dont know where i want to go or what i want to be yet though, so scholarships are loads of fun making up ambitions and feeling crappy knowing that i really have no clue. i'm hoping to get full ride to more than one jr. college though and then at least i'll be able to pick and not just be stuck with EA. anyways this is mostly just a venting post because it's been such a crappy week. maybe this week will bring better fortune....at least i can't get the flu again right??? oh and i figure...while i'm at this, i may as well post some random pics that wouldn't get posted otherwise. ness bought me a bomb camera for christmas, so i've taken A TON of pictures sense then....heres some fun ones

me and my bestest friend patrick just chillin :D

natalie on christmas morning (i think?)

freaky toes (in the car on the way to cali)

this is my avatar's eyes ha ha ha

...

and the last one's just me getting ready for a stake dance or something...sorry i'm so weird...ha haha...jk i'm not really sorry at all....

more senior pics

okay, so we've already established that i'm not photogenic, but here are some of the pictures that we took while in california. and i like them better, so yeah..............