okay so i was just going through some old emails that i wrote while i was in california. and i found this. i read through it and decided i wanted it somewhere where i would know where it was instead of hidden in my emails. this was the email i wrote mr. tenney after i watched the st. david choir perform at their competition. it is my feelings on passion, and it is super weird
so i had already decided that i would probably cry through the whole thing, but i've really had something against crying lately. i think it's because i could have so much to cry about right now and i decided that i was going to try to be happy and positive and not cry, so i don't cry. i mean i still cry just not about things of non-spiritual origin. well so i didn't want to cry because i knew that if i started crying i wouldn't be able to stop because i would have started feeling sorry for myself and would have cried because i wanted to be on stage and not because the show was bringing me to tears. honestly though singing and dancing are the only things i miss about st. david. i don't miss my friends or even my family because my friends weren't the right kind of friends, and my family i will be with forever. so i didn't want to cry just because i missed it. but something else happened.
(this is weird i'm warning you) i started shaking. at first i was like oh it's cold in here or i have the chills because of the show, but it was more than just the chills from good music. it was like my mind wouldn't let me think about how badly i wanted to be a part of the music, so my body started telling my mind what to do. i don't know if that makes sense, but it didn't really make sense to me either. because subconciously i was telling myself that i didn't need to be on that stage, but my body was telling me that i was supposed to be there. my head knew that music wasn't what i "wanted" but my whole self other than the logical part was telling me that the audience was the wrong place for me.
then you guys came back in and i was gonna get up and give hugs and tell people how impressed i had been, but i couldn't even get up because i knew if i said one word i was going to explode and just loose it. so then i started watching the next group and thats when i started crying. i didn't drop a single tear during your show but i bawled through the next 2. i just couldn't bare to think that those kids may never do anything real. they will always be doing the macarena. then poor natalie and rachael were so confused that i was crying.
well so then once i calmed down i started thinking about the hows and the whys and the what the craps. so this is my theory (it's weird again sorry)...
one year at girls camp we talked about morality and virtue and president merrill gave us a lesson on passion. he talked of course about physical intimacy being a passion, but then he talked to us about how being hungry was a passion and that you needed food to satisfy that passion. k so here are 2 definitions of passion:
-the state of being acted upon or affected by something external, especially something alien to one's nature or one's customary behavior.
-violent anger
k i know this is weird but think about it. food, you have to eat. your body demands it of your mind. sex, uh yea you get it. violence usually someone's head doesn't tell them to hit someone, it's an external, uncontrollable force. then this brings me to another definition of passion. one that is a little more important than either of those:
-the sufferings of christ on the cross or his sufferings subsequent to the last supper.
i take that to mean the atonement. when christ's body bled from every pore because of the love he had for each individual that had ever or would ever walk the earth, his body overpowered his mind and acted for itself and that my friend was passion greater than i can even imagine
therefore, my new definition for passion is this....
-any thing or idea that demands that the body should overpower the mind.
k this is a stretch from music, but i've thought a lot about why we need a body and why we have power over satan because of our bodies. because i've thought about the fact that satan still thinks and acts and understands things and such, so why does it matter if we are physical when our physical body, when separated from out spirit, is just inanimate. do you get what i'm saying? like your spirit is what makes your body work, and satan has a spirit, so why does a body matter? but then all of this has made me realize that a body holds literal power. maybe without the spirit it doesn't, and i guess spirit and body together make soul, so the soul has power and satan doesn't have that? i don't really know. this whole deal has provoked A LOT of questions. not only ones about the purposes of life and the plan of salvation, but smaller questions like "do i really want to graduate this summer? or do i want to go back to st. david and just deal with high school for another year if it means i can have all of this in my life?" or "do i really want to waste all my life on nursing? but then would i want to go to school with people who dont have the same feelings toward music as me?" and a lot more. well i'm sure i could write an entire book about this because my head has been going crazy, but this e-mail is already enormously long, so i'll stop for now, but MAYBE i'll write a song about this.
