NEVER AGAIN!!!!

in honor of some great feats i've accomplished in life in the last 11 1/2 weeks, here's some angry girl music. right now you're listening to not america's idol, but elise's idol (that sounds really sacreligious)--KELLY CLARKSON!!! the unltimate boy hater song, but if you really want to listen to my perfect song go the either i never loved you anyway by the corrs, candles by hey monday, or white horse by taylor swift (that song i think was written about me cuz it's like my life) . prolly the corrs one is best though cuz it's funny. anyway...go change the song and then come back and read this.....

sometimes i think that i'm way too open on here and that i should keep some of these thoughts to myself, but if i keep things to myself then i feel like i'm almost lying cuz not everyone knows what's going on.

so for a while here i was going to LDS counselling because of worries, that my weakness for males is like a disease or something. no not really, but just to talk some things out and make sure that i'd be strong enough to stay out of a bad situation especially because the worst kids you'd encounter in St. David are the best kids you'd encounter here. okay well in going to see this counselor, the goal we decided on was to feel no more emotional connection to matthew. no only physical attraction, but i had like this deal that i felt like i needed to take care of him because of some emotion states i've seen and caused him to have. well after about 5 sessions with this lady and a lot of thinking and analyzing and changing things, i really felt like i'd accomplished that. i didn't feel like i missed him or was thinking about him or that i wanted to even keep in touch at all. mostly i felt like if i went back to st. david i'd be able to stay away from him. well that was all good. finding out about him and daph and neither of them having the balls to tell me kinda pissed me off a little, but i got over it fairly quickly. then came competition

i was fairly upset that he couldn't be around me. i was like i'm over all this and you seem to be too, so why is there a problem? well then mr. tenney and I talked about forgiveness a little bit. we talked about how i needed to forgive him whether he wanted my forgiveness or not. and i thought a lot about that, but something about it just wasn't quite right about that statement but i couldn't figure it out. then i was doing my stupid trigonometry homework last night and i realized something. why did i have to forgive him??? he hadn't been the one who had compromised any of his standards. in fact i should have been thanking him for not pushing me any further than i put myself. the only reason i was hurting was because i knew i'd done a lot wrong. i had been the one who hurt him. i had hurt myself and him. he didn't hurt me, or himself. so why was i pretending that he was the one who was wrong? i needed to apologize to him and see if there was any way he could forgive me, for not only trying to make him be someone he isn't, but for lying to him. i all of a sudden felt awful that i had been so selfish and hurt him so badly. then since i no longer felt a romantic connection i was rude to him at competition because for the first time i felt like i could tell him my honest thoughts. anyways so today i txted him (sorry dad i know i'm not supposed to, but it was an important part of repentence for me) and asked him if he could ever forgive me. of course he was very reluctant to do so because i'm not so sure he's on the same page as me with all of this. but i tried to sincerely apologize and ask his forgiveness because my wrong choices not only hurt me, my family, and my future family, but i hurt HIM. i guess i knew that, but it still seemed so dumb of me to indulge in temporary pleasures and con him into thinking we would last, when i knew the whole time, that my children and his children would never be the same people. i knew i wouldn't marry him even though i agreed to. i mean i had hoped that somehow it would have worked, but we both would have been miserable in the long run.

that's my revelation for the week :) hopefully things continue to go well. i'm sure they will...

as for mormon prom...i wasn't dreaming....he gave me paperwork today. i'm starting to secretly wish i was dreaming though. it's so awkward. i'm afraid to say anything to him. i know that it seems weird for elise of all people to be afraid to talk, but i'm SUPER quiet at school because i just kind of feel like no one would be interested in what i have to say because it's not full of profanity or about sex. i'm a nerd. major nerd. also i think i am even more afraid to talk to michael than i am to anyone else, because i'm terrified that if i talk to him i'll end up just flirting with him. i know i'll only be here like 3 more months, but i'd hate to ruin that by getting involved with a boy. i hope we become great friends, but then that scares me because joseph was my best friend in the whole world and i ended up kissing him! yea. i frusterate myself. but then it scares me that i'll like separate myself from all romantic feelings toward boys and just become an old maid all because i had a high school boyfriend. i know i'm blowing this way out of proportion, but i think that's why i have a hard time even saying hi to him. poor guy is spending like a million dollars on a girl that won't even talk to him. we'll see. i'll try harder to be friendly, and only that. okay well i'm done.

but in the words of kelly clarkson "never again will i kiss you" i never will kiss another boy (or the same boy for that matter) until i graduate whether that means this september of next june i don't know, but until then......