HEADSET!!!!

dude this song is my new favorite. except for the whole mama papa deal, yea that's not really true, but you take waht you get. i know i'm getting like way too cliche with the whole cali thing, but i love avril, and so this is my new fav....

See I got a little bit of a problem
back where I come from,
feels like five people in my population
and no one ever leaves thereI’m gonna be the first one
I guess my papa always told me the way it wasn't
and my mama think she knows me, I know she doesn’t(ah ah ah)
[Chorus]
But I got my head set on California
I’ll fly away tomorrow, won’t even warn ya
and I’ll send a big postcard, just to piss you off
I got my head set on California
Here I come

See, I got what you would call an obsession
it feels like I think sanethe limits of a small town
frustrating my brain, might leave some roots there,
but my head’s on the next plane
’cause my daddy always told me the way it was,
and my mama think she knows me, I know she doesn’t(ah ah ah)
[Chorus]
Here I come
Papa always tells me the way it was,
and my mama think she knows me, I know she doesn’t(ah ah ah)

But I got my head set on New York City
I’ll fly away tomorrow, won’t even miss me
and I’ll get a big boyfriend, just to piss you off

[Chorus] Here I come, here I come

NEVER AGAIN!!!!

in honor of some great feats i've accomplished in life in the last 11 1/2 weeks, here's some angry girl music. right now you're listening to not america's idol, but elise's idol (that sounds really sacreligious)--KELLY CLARKSON!!! the unltimate boy hater song, but if you really want to listen to my perfect song go the either i never loved you anyway by the corrs, candles by hey monday, or white horse by taylor swift (that song i think was written about me cuz it's like my life) . prolly the corrs one is best though cuz it's funny. anyway...go change the song and then come back and read this.....

sometimes i think that i'm way too open on here and that i should keep some of these thoughts to myself, but if i keep things to myself then i feel like i'm almost lying cuz not everyone knows what's going on.

so for a while here i was going to LDS counselling because of worries, that my weakness for males is like a disease or something. no not really, but just to talk some things out and make sure that i'd be strong enough to stay out of a bad situation especially because the worst kids you'd encounter in St. David are the best kids you'd encounter here. okay well in going to see this counselor, the goal we decided on was to feel no more emotional connection to matthew. no only physical attraction, but i had like this deal that i felt like i needed to take care of him because of some emotion states i've seen and caused him to have. well after about 5 sessions with this lady and a lot of thinking and analyzing and changing things, i really felt like i'd accomplished that. i didn't feel like i missed him or was thinking about him or that i wanted to even keep in touch at all. mostly i felt like if i went back to st. david i'd be able to stay away from him. well that was all good. finding out about him and daph and neither of them having the balls to tell me kinda pissed me off a little, but i got over it fairly quickly. then came competition

i was fairly upset that he couldn't be around me. i was like i'm over all this and you seem to be too, so why is there a problem? well then mr. tenney and I talked about forgiveness a little bit. we talked about how i needed to forgive him whether he wanted my forgiveness or not. and i thought a lot about that, but something about it just wasn't quite right about that statement but i couldn't figure it out. then i was doing my stupid trigonometry homework last night and i realized something. why did i have to forgive him??? he hadn't been the one who had compromised any of his standards. in fact i should have been thanking him for not pushing me any further than i put myself. the only reason i was hurting was because i knew i'd done a lot wrong. i had been the one who hurt him. i had hurt myself and him. he didn't hurt me, or himself. so why was i pretending that he was the one who was wrong? i needed to apologize to him and see if there was any way he could forgive me, for not only trying to make him be someone he isn't, but for lying to him. i all of a sudden felt awful that i had been so selfish and hurt him so badly. then since i no longer felt a romantic connection i was rude to him at competition because for the first time i felt like i could tell him my honest thoughts. anyways so today i txted him (sorry dad i know i'm not supposed to, but it was an important part of repentence for me) and asked him if he could ever forgive me. of course he was very reluctant to do so because i'm not so sure he's on the same page as me with all of this. but i tried to sincerely apologize and ask his forgiveness because my wrong choices not only hurt me, my family, and my future family, but i hurt HIM. i guess i knew that, but it still seemed so dumb of me to indulge in temporary pleasures and con him into thinking we would last, when i knew the whole time, that my children and his children would never be the same people. i knew i wouldn't marry him even though i agreed to. i mean i had hoped that somehow it would have worked, but we both would have been miserable in the long run.

that's my revelation for the week :) hopefully things continue to go well. i'm sure they will...

as for mormon prom...i wasn't dreaming....he gave me paperwork today. i'm starting to secretly wish i was dreaming though. it's so awkward. i'm afraid to say anything to him. i know that it seems weird for elise of all people to be afraid to talk, but i'm SUPER quiet at school because i just kind of feel like no one would be interested in what i have to say because it's not full of profanity or about sex. i'm a nerd. major nerd. also i think i am even more afraid to talk to michael than i am to anyone else, because i'm terrified that if i talk to him i'll end up just flirting with him. i know i'll only be here like 3 more months, but i'd hate to ruin that by getting involved with a boy. i hope we become great friends, but then that scares me because joseph was my best friend in the whole world and i ended up kissing him! yea. i frusterate myself. but then it scares me that i'll like separate myself from all romantic feelings toward boys and just become an old maid all because i had a high school boyfriend. i know i'm blowing this way out of proportion, but i think that's why i have a hard time even saying hi to him. poor guy is spending like a million dollars on a girl that won't even talk to him. we'll see. i'll try harder to be friendly, and only that. okay well i'm done.

but in the words of kelly clarkson "never again will i kiss you" i never will kiss another boy (or the same boy for that matter) until i graduate whether that means this september of next june i don't know, but until then......

ST. PADDY'S DAY

wow it's been almost a whole week since i've posted anything. that seems like a really long time. uhm....i guess it's been a pretty exciting week but i'm exhausted still from all the going about. on thursday i randomly got asked to mormon prom by the edward guy (his name's actually michael). yea i know! holy random right? i don't even talk to him or anything, i just randomly think he's cute. my new theory is that he googled me and read about himself on this blog. boy would that be weird, but very possible. if you're really reading this michael you sure as heck better fess up!!! lol. there's like a 2% chance that he would even think to do that let alone actually find my blog. so i doubt it, but it's all still very random. don't get me wrong i'm excited, but random. heather and maybe vanessa and maybe chad will be here that weekend, so i'll have help getting beautified.

also this weekend was the choir competition was this weekend. of course i was blown away by the show, and it provoked a lot of thoughts and questions, but it was good. really good. natalie is still one of my favorite people on the planet of course. i slept in her and rachaels bed with them. it was fun. i was so excited to see everyone, but really rachael and nat and kylee were the only people i really talked to much. i talked to sheradee and vivien too and that was fun. matt is a spaz and hates me, but that's okay. he just avoided me the whole time and stuff, and it was weird because that made things between me and daph really awkward. so i dunno how that' s gonna work. but then matt txted me all emo-ly after they left and for the first time i said what i really wanted to say and didn't feel bad because he was making death threats. i was very proud and probably got a little carried away and was more rude than i should have been, but i just feel so free of him.

saturday afternoon grama's sister anne's granddaughter ashley and her boyfriend justin came down, and will be leaving tomorrow, so that's been fun. it's nice to get to know some of the family i otherwise would have known little about.

i'm taking the CAHSEE this week (california high school exit exam). it's like AIMS, but dumbed down for californians to be able to pass. lol. no it's not that bad. but i almost fell asleep today. tomorrow's math though and my goal is to not miss a problem, so we'll see how that goes. :D

i feel like my schedual is so full, but it's really not. it's so much less than i was doing in arizona but i don't have a car, so it feels like more because i'm more dependent on other people to make things happen. well that's all for now. i'll update you in a couple days hopefully.

blood

so i did end up giving blood yesterday. grama said that we actually should take pictures because i've been so excited about it. so we did.

so i didn't quite meet the weight requirement, but my lisence says i'm 112 and so that's what i told them and they were fine. well apparently i didn't have enough water in me even i had intentionally taken a water bottle with me to school and stuff. well it took me 17 minutes to get a pint of blood out of me and it takes less than 10 minutes on average so i took extra long. the lady made me stay on the table an extra 5 minutes after that and then made sure that i drank lots of water after that. so i was 30 minutes late for mutual, but we were doing self defense anyways so i couldn't really participate. and i got out of running 7 laps today in PE. i walked 4 and the teacher said that that was okay.

as for the rest of life it's still the same as it has been. i've been really tired this week though. i had never been through a time change in my life, and so i think this whole daylight savings thing threw me off a little bit. it's okay though i'll get over being tired. maybe it will put me a really good mood for this weekend and seeing everyone from st. david. i'm so excited to see nat again and rachael and kylee and april and everyone else in the choir that i love to death. but that also means that i'll get to see mr. matthew and at first i was like this could be a little awkward because about 3 weeks ago he told me he was still in love with me and i was like well uh news flash, i'm no longer the elise that you're in love with. sorry??? i didnt tell him that of course, and i was
a little worried, but then i found out that a week after he begged me to keep writing him and then hung up on me when i told him no, he asked my best friend to be his girlfriend. then i don't think that daph knew that i knew and we talked on the phone and i was kind of offended that she didn't get the guts to tell me. that's okay though because i'd rather not hear about matt's love life

i love daphne to death and don't want this weirdness to come between us. i don't have feelings for him like that anymore, i mean it's just weird that the boy who had asked me to marry him is now making out with a girl who had just promised me that she was setting her eye on the temple with me. it just scares me, but they each make their own decisions as i have made my own. it just makes me sad. i wish every girl had the opportunity to perminently remove themselves from the situation and look on their choices from the outside and realize how idiotic high school boy friends are. anyways, if matt comes i'll probably stick with nat and rachael and kylee, if he doesn't come then i'll hang out with daphne and love her to death and not mention matt. anyways... i've gotta go dip more pretzels to bring them all friday!

quantities

i've lived in california for....9 1/2 weeks!!!!!!

i've worn make-up to school 3 times

my semester is 1/4 over

thurday i went through over 100 stop lights (i counted)

i've used a whole box of kleenex in the last 3 days

i have 1 teacher i haven't heard swear (and she even takes the lord's name in vain)

i leave the house at 5:50 am

i listen to NO music

i have 1 jewish friend

i've been to 3 stake dances

i've met 1 really hot guy

i have 2 lockers (E-169 and PE-146)

i've had 2 dreams about my teeth falling out

i ate 1 chimichanga for dinner

this is post number 8

5 1/2 months until i turn 18

6 months until i graduate!

i had 2 tests today

i play 4 instruments (only 1 really)

i've actually written 5 songs (one in california)

2 more months until the kelseys come to visit

BUT ONLY ONE WEEK UNTIL CHOIR COMPETITION!!!!!

it's still a new year

so i'm sitting here where it is 63 degrees outside and 70 degrees in here and i'm still shivering. i'm getting sick but that's not a surprise seeing as now that it's march it's becoming spring and getting warm so my body knows it. i get sick every time the season changes and i hate it, but i'm used to it. not too bad of a sinus headache yet, just itchy ears, eyes, and throat and a lot of sneezing.

one of my goals for a long time has been to donate blood, so 6 months ago when i turned 17 i was so excited, but i didn't meet the weight requirement. well i've been trying so hard to be able to do that and then we were at a doctors appt the other day and i went in and talked to the blood center where they always take blood and they told me that i absolutely HAVE TO weigh 110 pounds naked. well a year ago that would have been great, but thanks to matthew agreeing to take the discussions last march, i lost 6 pounds, and since i'm done growing and everything, i haven't put any of it back on. in fact when i got here i weighed in at 102 rather than 106, but i've been eating myself sick, and after dinner tonight i weighed 109. i know that it sounds bizarre that i'm trying so hard to gain weight, but i actually kind of get a thrill out of needles and i'm healthy, so giving blood won't be a problem and they need it, so i've been so upset that they won't take mine. a week from tomorrow there is a blood drive at the church and i decided i'm giving blood there no matter what! hopefully they don't have a scale there, cuz even if i don't weigh 110, my license says i weigh 112. which i did for a long time. so my grandma says she's gonna video me giving blood and i'll post it if it actually happens. also one of my goals in life is to donate a kidney, because it seems so selfish to me to have 2 when some people don't even have one. so someday, but dad is making me keep one at least until we're sure no one in the family will need one.

okay well that was a lot of pointless... i really got on here to share how inspired i know the general authorities are. i know that sounds weird, but on sunday i was thinking about somethings because i wanted to get up and bear my testimony. i didn't get up but i did realize some things. i started thinking about "A Brand New Year," the dvd that was presented to the youth of the church on new years eve. that was an interesting evening for me seeing as i still had a boyfriend. well at the end, sister dalton challenged the youth to do three things along with their personal goals this year: read the book of mormon for at least 5 minutes a day, say your personal prayers, and to smile. i was really impressed that smiling was as important in our lives as reading and praying. i took a minute there to kind of commit myself to doing those things this year. well i didn't really give that goal another thought over the next couple of days, as we had family down and things were crazy for camille's wedding. well when i sat thinking of those promises i had absolutely no idea that 6 days later i would be on an airplane to LAX leaving my whole life behind.

two days after the broadcast, i had done a lot of soul searching and talking with my dad, and had decided that moving was an option. all of a sudden i decided that i should make good on my commitment to myself, sister dalton, and the lord. i started the book of mormon again on the 3rd of January, and i haven't missed a night since, but that's not the important part. i had no idea then that reading the book of mormon would be the easy part. If she hadn't included smiling in the three goals, i would have never even committed in the first place, but i had no clue that that would be the hardest one. i don't think i would be all frowning and sad here if i hadn't committed to smile on new years eve, but i do think that if i hadn't chosen to read the book of mormon every night i would be unhappy.

while here, yes it's been hard, but as i've said before, every time i get a little homesick or just am dying to sing and dance, some little thing happens that reminds me that we asked the lord where i should be at this point and this is what he said. that conviction almost always comes through the book of mormon and i usually end up with a tear in my eye or actually laughing out loud at how directly the scriptures apply to me today. i wonder did Nephi know when he stood up to his brothers that he wasn't only standing up for himself or his savior, but that he was standing up for me and so that i could understand a world of horror and hate that he didn't even know would exist? i really have found myself wondering if specific verses were written for me. i'm so grateful for each of the prophets and the decisions they made that allowed me to use my agency correctly, and i will always be in debt to joseph smith for the things he went through so that i could be directly blessed because he was in tune with the spirit. i'm so grateful and amazed that we have general young men and women's presidents who know us and stay close to the lord so they can feel and discover exactly what i will need for this year and to succeed in life. plus on top of all that goodness, we have many apostles and prophets of the lord who keep themselves worthy for me, and a president who holds all the keys to keep this church alive. But mostly today i am grateful for a father who honors his priesthood and listened and still listens to the lord to see how to handle some of the crazy things i did. he is my hero. i don't even want to imagine who or where i would be right now, without the priesthood on the earth today.

if any of you didn't get to see "A Brand New Year" it's here at the top of my blog! if you'll pause my music, and then go back twice on the video clips to the one titled "for the strength of the youth" it's the one part that really touched me. you should watch the whole thing again whether you've seen it or not. it's kind of high school musical-ish, but it's really uplifting and from our general authorities....i love you all. thanks for being a part of my life

so nat and west just left with the higgis. it was fun to see all of them and everything. it was a kinda hard goodbye for me. worse than at home, but still not too bad mostlyb ecause i know that i'll see natalie again in 2 weeks. anyways here some dorky pix cuz me and natalie tried like 200 times to get a decent picture of us and we couldn't do it, so we just resorted to being nerds. i look like a man cuz my hair is in a ponytail but whateves...

i wasn't going to post this story, but then i decided i better, because it will probably be the most fun to read of anything i have to say, so just so you guys don't get bored of reading all the junk i say, here's my twilight story...

so i mentioned that last saturday i went to a stake dance with the north hollywood stake and that dancing with some of the boys there made me think about my future a lot. well in all honestly it wasn't a few of the guys i danced with; it was mostly just one. so a little bit after we got to the dance, they did a girls only and then a boys only fast song. well the girls all just danced and had fun, but what boy is honestly just going to go dance especially if there is no girls on the floor. so it mostly just turned into these two boys have like a break dancing competition. well about two slow songs later, the more attractive of the two asked me to dance.

we talked like anyone talks during a dance. i mean how much can you actually fit into 2 1/2 minutes of loud music? he told me that he was 17 too but a senior in high school and that he was thinking about going to arizona for college to attend ASU. so i told him i'd just moved here and that i was ready to be done with high school and that even though i am a junior i am planning to go back to arizona after this summer to start college. that's about as much of our conversation as i remember because who honestly thinks about what they're saying when they have gorgeous brown eyes staring at them? i mean i was intentionally making him smile so that i could see his cute little dimples. He's mexican, and no not everyone here is mexican, but if you know me at all you probably could have assumed he wasn't white. anyways he has a goatee and isn't very tall, but is fairly skinny, but still atheletic looking enough to have been break dancing.

okay well as the night went on, it wasn't like i liked him or was really attracted to him, i mean it'd only been a single dance, but i was always very aware of where he was in the room. because it had been a fairly comfortable conversation, at least on my end, i let him become this ideal. I had been really upset about matt earlier that day, but dancing with this random kid who lived in north hollywood, who i would never see again, somehow gave me hope. not that i ever thought of any future i had with this michael kid or anything, it was just nice to meet someone who i got along well with ,who had the same standards as me. so he kind of became this standard in my head.

i knew that whatever possible skeletons he had in his closet would stay there because i'd never talk to him again, and that didn't bother me in the least. i knew that i needed to be able to look at someone and be attracted to someone, and that it was healthy for me especially to keep me over the whole matt deal. so i thought of him. monday morning i woke up and his face was the first thing i thought of. i was like okay i can make it through school today knowing that even if every boy at my whole school was a complete idiot, at least there was hope that there is normal people out there that share my standards. so i went off to seminary ready for another, happier, day.

after seminary was over, one of the girls in my class was like "elise, you know that michael kid?" i was like

"the one with the goatee? yea, he's really cute." jeni smiled and was like

"you really think so? well he was making me quiz him on our names" i was really puzzled and asked

"whose names? me and yours and katie's?" she nodded giving me the 'duh' look. "why?" i asked totally confused but not expecting anything. she gave me a look that implied that i should already know why

"he goes to our school" was all she said.

i think i almost fell over. here i had taken a kid i didn't know anything about and made him this person in my head that i could look at, and make people measure up to, and now he was actually going to be real. i racked my head trying to remember if i'd told him that i went to chatsworth high school. how did he know? Jen was like "he sits at the lunch table right next to the cafeteria every morning while we get breakfast. look to your left when you walk by and he'll be there" it all of a sudden made sense. i had walked right in front of him every morning, and guess what? my hair's blonde! that had to be the reason he'd asked me to dance the first slow song i was there. he knew who i was and either he thought it was funny that i didn't know that i saw him everyday, or he thought i knew! i can't tell the difference between most of the kids at my school because i always notice hair and eye color first and everyone's here is the same. (seriously, i thought that a boy in my homeroom and my english class were the same kid until one day i noticed they were wearing different clothes)

we walked to the school and i debated whether or not i should actually walk by his table or if i should go around a building to where we sit in the morning. i toughed it out, and right when we were about to walk by, he stood up and started walking toward us. as he passed me, we made eye contact and he raised his eyebrows at me. all i could think was "how could he make this more awkward" as i gave him this half, mostly angry, smile that proved to him that whether he thought i knew or not, i had had no idea that he went to our school. my brain was going crazy all morning, until i convinced myself that it was a big school and that i wouldn' t see him at all the rest of the day. the low and behold as i was walking to 3rd hour i passed him again. i gave him another toothless, awkward smile, as i wondered if anything i had made him out to be in my head could be true.

as i got into the car to go home i was relieved that i hadn't run into him anymore that day. i was thinking about how different high school could possibly become knowing that there was someone else there that had the same standards as me jeni and katie. and then i saw him again. he was standing off campus with a few other boys waiting for a ride. how bizarre i thought as i openly stared at him, knowing that he wasn't looking into the car windows.

when i got home that night i decided that i had to do something so it was less awkward. i decided that either i would just start winking or making freak faces at him or something so that if anyone felt awkward it was him. and if circumstance permitted, i would say something to him. either ask him if he thought i knew he went to chatsworth or just explain to him that half smiles were getting way too awkward. i woke up a little bit scared the next morning but relieved that i had some sort of plan. i walked to school a little more confident. then as i passes his breakfast table, i looked over my left shoulder, and quickly scanned then bench before walking to our usual breakfast spot wondering where he could possibly be. i walked to third hour that day a little nervous but ready to make my plan happen, and yet again he wasn't there. i wondered if he had decided on my first instinct of a plan. "avoid at all costs"

i got in the car that day almost dissappointed. i realized that it was probably better if i didn't see or talk to him every day, but i still couldn't help wondering if he was intentionally hiding from me. then there he was again. standing next to the same tree he was next to the day before. that almost confirmed that he had intentionally avoided me. but why? there's not any way he thought of me any of the same ways that i thought of him after the dance. we weren't in love or anything, it was just an awkward situation that was only getting more awkward by the minute.

i saw him a couple more times during the week and found out that he has my history teacher right before i do, so when i'm getting ready to go in, he's coming out, with some chick who wore blue fishnets one day. i never saw him any of the three places i saw him the first day again though. until friday. friday morning as i walked in front of the table that he had breakfast at, i couldn't help but being curious and looking over my left shoulder. and there he was. he raised his brows at me againg, but this time i gave him a full-fledged toothy grin. i'm sick of the awkwardness. we'll see what happens. my bet is that i never talk to him or anything and taht a friendly glance will be it. and i hope that true kind of . but i reallywould like to know what he was thinking last saturday? did he know? or did he think i wouldn't find out until he walked in front of me monday morning? or am i totally stressing over something that he doesn't find awkward at all?? i'm betting on the third but who knows.