so nat and west just left with the higgis. it was fun to see all of them and everything. it was a kinda hard goodbye for me. worse than at home, but still not too bad mostlyb ecause i know that i'll see natalie again in 2 weeks. anyways here some dorky pix cuz me and natalie tried like 200 times to get a decent picture of us and we couldn't do it, so we just resorted to being nerds. i look like a man cuz my hair is in a ponytail but whateves...

i wasn't going to post this story, but then i decided i better, because it will probably be the most fun to read of anything i have to say, so just so you guys don't get bored of reading all the junk i say, here's my twilight story...

so i mentioned that last saturday i went to a stake dance with the north hollywood stake and that dancing with some of the boys there made me think about my future a lot. well in all honestly it wasn't a few of the guys i danced with; it was mostly just one. so a little bit after we got to the dance, they did a girls only and then a boys only fast song. well the girls all just danced and had fun, but what boy is honestly just going to go dance especially if there is no girls on the floor. so it mostly just turned into these two boys have like a break dancing competition. well about two slow songs later, the more attractive of the two asked me to dance.

we talked like anyone talks during a dance. i mean how much can you actually fit into 2 1/2 minutes of loud music? he told me that he was 17 too but a senior in high school and that he was thinking about going to arizona for college to attend ASU. so i told him i'd just moved here and that i was ready to be done with high school and that even though i am a junior i am planning to go back to arizona after this summer to start college. that's about as much of our conversation as i remember because who honestly thinks about what they're saying when they have gorgeous brown eyes staring at them? i mean i was intentionally making him smile so that i could see his cute little dimples. He's mexican, and no not everyone here is mexican, but if you know me at all you probably could have assumed he wasn't white. anyways he has a goatee and isn't very tall, but is fairly skinny, but still atheletic looking enough to have been break dancing.

okay well as the night went on, it wasn't like i liked him or was really attracted to him, i mean it'd only been a single dance, but i was always very aware of where he was in the room. because it had been a fairly comfortable conversation, at least on my end, i let him become this ideal. I had been really upset about matt earlier that day, but dancing with this random kid who lived in north hollywood, who i would never see again, somehow gave me hope. not that i ever thought of any future i had with this michael kid or anything, it was just nice to meet someone who i got along well with ,who had the same standards as me. so he kind of became this standard in my head.

i knew that whatever possible skeletons he had in his closet would stay there because i'd never talk to him again, and that didn't bother me in the least. i knew that i needed to be able to look at someone and be attracted to someone, and that it was healthy for me especially to keep me over the whole matt deal. so i thought of him. monday morning i woke up and his face was the first thing i thought of. i was like okay i can make it through school today knowing that even if every boy at my whole school was a complete idiot, at least there was hope that there is normal people out there that share my standards. so i went off to seminary ready for another, happier, day.

after seminary was over, one of the girls in my class was like "elise, you know that michael kid?" i was like

"the one with the goatee? yea, he's really cute." jeni smiled and was like

"you really think so? well he was making me quiz him on our names" i was really puzzled and asked

"whose names? me and yours and katie's?" she nodded giving me the 'duh' look. "why?" i asked totally confused but not expecting anything. she gave me a look that implied that i should already know why

"he goes to our school" was all she said.

i think i almost fell over. here i had taken a kid i didn't know anything about and made him this person in my head that i could look at, and make people measure up to, and now he was actually going to be real. i racked my head trying to remember if i'd told him that i went to chatsworth high school. how did he know? Jen was like "he sits at the lunch table right next to the cafeteria every morning while we get breakfast. look to your left when you walk by and he'll be there" it all of a sudden made sense. i had walked right in front of him every morning, and guess what? my hair's blonde! that had to be the reason he'd asked me to dance the first slow song i was there. he knew who i was and either he thought it was funny that i didn't know that i saw him everyday, or he thought i knew! i can't tell the difference between most of the kids at my school because i always notice hair and eye color first and everyone's here is the same. (seriously, i thought that a boy in my homeroom and my english class were the same kid until one day i noticed they were wearing different clothes)

we walked to the school and i debated whether or not i should actually walk by his table or if i should go around a building to where we sit in the morning. i toughed it out, and right when we were about to walk by, he stood up and started walking toward us. as he passed me, we made eye contact and he raised his eyebrows at me. all i could think was "how could he make this more awkward" as i gave him this half, mostly angry, smile that proved to him that whether he thought i knew or not, i had had no idea that he went to our school. my brain was going crazy all morning, until i convinced myself that it was a big school and that i wouldn' t see him at all the rest of the day. the low and behold as i was walking to 3rd hour i passed him again. i gave him another toothless, awkward smile, as i wondered if anything i had made him out to be in my head could be true.

as i got into the car to go home i was relieved that i hadn't run into him anymore that day. i was thinking about how different high school could possibly become knowing that there was someone else there that had the same standards as me jeni and katie. and then i saw him again. he was standing off campus with a few other boys waiting for a ride. how bizarre i thought as i openly stared at him, knowing that he wasn't looking into the car windows.

when i got home that night i decided that i had to do something so it was less awkward. i decided that either i would just start winking or making freak faces at him or something so that if anyone felt awkward it was him. and if circumstance permitted, i would say something to him. either ask him if he thought i knew he went to chatsworth or just explain to him that half smiles were getting way too awkward. i woke up a little bit scared the next morning but relieved that i had some sort of plan. i walked to school a little more confident. then as i passes his breakfast table, i looked over my left shoulder, and quickly scanned then bench before walking to our usual breakfast spot wondering where he could possibly be. i walked to third hour that day a little nervous but ready to make my plan happen, and yet again he wasn't there. i wondered if he had decided on my first instinct of a plan. "avoid at all costs"

i got in the car that day almost dissappointed. i realized that it was probably better if i didn't see or talk to him every day, but i still couldn't help wondering if he was intentionally hiding from me. then there he was again. standing next to the same tree he was next to the day before. that almost confirmed that he had intentionally avoided me. but why? there's not any way he thought of me any of the same ways that i thought of him after the dance. we weren't in love or anything, it was just an awkward situation that was only getting more awkward by the minute.

i saw him a couple more times during the week and found out that he has my history teacher right before i do, so when i'm getting ready to go in, he's coming out, with some chick who wore blue fishnets one day. i never saw him any of the three places i saw him the first day again though. until friday. friday morning as i walked in front of the table that he had breakfast at, i couldn't help but being curious and looking over my left shoulder. and there he was. he raised his brows at me againg, but this time i gave him a full-fledged toothy grin. i'm sick of the awkwardness. we'll see what happens. my bet is that i never talk to him or anything and taht a friendly glance will be it. and i hope that true kind of . but i reallywould like to know what he was thinking last saturday? did he know? or did he think i wouldn't find out until he walked in front of me monday morning? or am i totally stressing over something that he doesn't find awkward at all?? i'm betting on the third but who knows.

"Cheer up your hearts and remember that ye are free to ACT for yourselves"

I just wanted to say that the church is true and that no matter what anyone says or thinks, I know that Heavenly Father loves each one of us. Of couse things are a little rough for me sometimes, and yesterday was one of those days kind of. Matt called and i totally wasn't expecting it or anything, and he ended up hanging up on me because i wasn't saying the kind of things he wants to hear. Of course I felt bad, and it made for a rough couple hours in my head contemplating how and why I got myself into this. Then i had the opportunity to go to a bi-stake dance. There weren't very many people there, but yet again it proved to me that this is where i'm supposed to be right now. I went with one of my friends from the ward (Alison i love you :) and i ended up having a blast. It's been really hard to try to be myself here and to not worry about what people will say or think, but I felt like I at least tried and wanted to put myself out there even if it did include getting some comments from girls in seminary like "wow you really get crazy at stake dances." i wanted to be like "no this is me. i like to be happy and smile and dance like a freak." then because i was putting myself out there i had the opportunity to be asked to dance on most of the slow songs (there was only like 5 cuz EVERYONE fast dances). It was neat for me to talk to some boys and realize that even if I really was "in love" with matt, that i am going to find someone who shares my standards and wants to do everything for me and live the gospel WITH me, and who is going to take me to the temple, not because i asked him to, but because HE wouldn't settle for anything less. I danced with this one kid who goes to John Burroughs High School! Yes that's right all you show choir-ers out there, you will be here competing agaist his school in 3 weeks!!!! It was fun to meet all the North Hollywood kids and see that the gospel is true all over the world and that I belong to the true and living church. Then on top of feeling better about things after the dance, I sang in sacrement meeting today. Of course whether i stunk it up or not, that's like a given massive amount of compliments from the ward. It made me feel very welcome and like I am actually a part of this ward and help contribute to it. Every time I feel down while I'm here something happens that reminds me that I CHOSE to ACT and get out of a situation that could have, and probably would have, cost me eternity. Heavenly Father loves me enough that he allowed me to still somehow have the strength to decide to choose the right. I felt like I was slowing drifting away from not only my standards but the holy ghost and losing my desire to choose the right. Somehow i was granted a miracle and I want everyone who takes the time to read this to know that I'm grateful. I'm so happy to be here even if it is hard and different and kind of lonely. It's right and that's what matters.

how can i get through a year of spanish, how can i not look dumb in track, how can I gain 20 pounds by friday, how can i make my voice not cRAck??

there's so much going on. i should have started doing this like the minute i got here and then it would be easier to explain things now. i feel so stressed, but then absolutely no stress at all. i also feel so independent, but then so reliant on my grandparents. then i feel nervous and afraid yet totally confident. i don't really know anyone at school or anything, but it's like i've been totally okay with it. i know that it will get more frusterating with time though. it's been two weeks and so i expected that by now i would be comfortable at school. i feel like i've gotten really into the swing of things, but then it's like i feel so different from people that i don't want to open up and be myself at school because i believe mostly opposite of what everyone around me believes. i'm very comfortable at seminary and even more so at church in my ward. its weird cuz that should be visa versa because i see the seminary class every day and the girls in my ward only twice a week, but things are how they are and i like it like that.
i had this really weird kid follow me at school today. he's got a twin and is asia and is prolly like six foot, but really awkward still and is nerdy, but not like smart nerdy, like fantasy book, dragon nerdy. he was telling me a joke that i wasn't really paying attention to when the bell rang and he started following me and then when i didn't laugh at his joke i thought he would leave me alone. then he followed me into the E-hall (where my locker is) and i was tempted to not go to my locker so he wouldn't know where it was, but i thought i could slip away from him and get to it. well it didn't work. he just stood and continued jokes while i put my books back in my locker. then i intentionally went through another hallway to get to the street rather than going straight to the parking lot, and he followed me through that hall too, and then i realized that his brother had been in class with us, but that he wasn't with us and then i realized that he was like actually following me. then i remembered that he made sure i was in his history group, and i accidentally informed him i was also in his science class which is like a one in a billion chance. well when he was out of dumb jokes that i was intentionally not laughing at (about para- and quadra- palegics) he started talking about magic tricks. MAGIC TRICKS!!!!!!! i was like oh my heavens, what am i going to do. then when we got to the street i made sure that i wasn't going the direction he was and he was "ok. bye. see you monday!" i was like oh crap. so i'm going to have to deal with him on monday now and he knows where my locker is now. yea if u have any advice, anyone, let me know! okay well i'm tired so goodnight!

fun with the cousins

matt and shirly and their kids came last week to go to disneyland. they invited me to go with them on valentines day (matt got in free) and i accepted. before we left i was already attatched to their 2 girls. mostly kalei. it was a fun weekend and nice to get to see them and get to know them a little better. their baby is adorable and it was fun to have a little bit of noise in this house that is still very awkwardly quiet for me. anyways...me and my buddy took some pix and i think she is the cutest little girl ever. she is still really little and has a little speech problem that is so cute. it was a really fun weekend. boy am i glad that i have the knowledge of eternal family, and i'm so grateful to have them as a part of mine!

no stitches

Just so everyone knows, the rumors ARE NOT true. i did not fall off my bunk bed no matter how amusing that story is! i was sleeping in the sewing room with hoku and kalei and hoku was on the top and i was getting in bed to sleep with kalei on the bottom. after i turned the light off i didn't want to kneel on kalei when i got into the bed so i was trying to be careful but couldn't see the book shelf that was next to the bed. the cut on my head is the exact size as the width of the side board on the bookcase. it wasn't an impact wound. it was a puncture wound. it was sharp and jabbed into me. we contemplated the hospital cuz the cut was fairly open, but not too deep. we decided there would only have be glue and no stitches and that i would live if there was a little scar. it looks better now, but here's a pic....

California

holy moly! i'm not sure i really believe i'm here. everyone once in a while i step back and am like "WOE BETSY" it's really strange. The other day at school i courageously took my eyes off the sidewalk and looked at the environment i was in and it was a little too much. I swore to try again later, before i looked back at the sidewalk. I'm happy though. Happier than i've been in a year and a half. Crazy huh? i never thought that at the loneliest point in my life i'd feel less lonely than i was at home surrounded by my friends. it's been real eye opening. i've never felt so --on the outside?-- in my life. it's like i'm looking down on my life, and my past and analyzing the things i've done and the things i'm doing, and life all of a sudden makes sense again. i am blown away by how blind i've really really been. well...welcome to my blog!